Sunday, January 17, 2016

Randi in a nutshell.


Randi can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield all in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. She's written an opera. She can tread water for three days in a row, she woos men with her sensuous trombone playing, she cooks thirty minute brownies in twenty minutes. Using only a hoe and a large class of water, she once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde or ferocious army ants. She is the subject of numerous documentaries. She enjoys urban hang gliding and Critics worldwide swoon over her original line of corduroy evening wear. While on vacation in Canada, she successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists that had seized a small bakery. Randi invented full-contact origami. She's spoken with Elvis.

She's the coolest person you've ever heard of. She is... Randi Tucker.

Jimmy

Jimmy has Randi on speed dial.


Skiing

Randi was invited to join the Olympic ski team, but she declined because she's not that interested in going to Pyeongchang and would rather spend her time with family. 

Cake.

The owners of this bakery found out that Randi wanted some cake and this was the result.

Trend-setter.

No less than three actresses are wearing a variation of this dress to the Oscars.

Hallelujah.

Just being in Randi's presence usually prompts people to praise the heavens. 


Can't touch this.

Randi is more righteouser than the righteousest that you've ever righteoused.

Arteeest.

Have you heard of the Louvre?



This is in it.

This post requires no caption. And yet...

Suspenders. I die. 

Can't say no.

Randi is the first person in the world to be classified as literally irresistible. 

Newsies

When the cast of Newsies on Broadway found out Randi was in New York, they offered her second-row seats and lined up to meet her afterwards. This is actually totally true.




Denim denim denim.

Randi singlehandedly brought denim back into style.

How.

Randi has always been heavily involved in Native American relations.

True story.

While visiting New York, Randi somehow took a bag of half-melted ice and a good portion of love and made herself and several orphaned children some gelato. 


National Treasure

Randi's considered a national treasure...

...even in countries she's never visited. 

Above and beyond.

Randi built this treehouse in a single afternoon.



It has a fully furnished basement.

You're not hardcore unless you live hardcore.

Randi doesn't believe in oven mitts or pot holders or curling iron handles.



They are for lesser mortals who can't handle the pain.

You have the right to remain laughing.

Police often question Randi...
...simply because they find her hysterical.

Holidays

Presidents throughout the world usually take Randi's birthday off work out of respect.

Pillows

Randi's pillows are always cool on both sides.

She's efficient

Randi knows how to get stuff done in the most efficient ways possible. She even discovered a shortcut once while skydiving.


Opportunity is sort of obsessed with Randi.

If opportunity knocks, and Randi isn't home, opportunity waits.

Innovation

Once, Randi made fire using only dental floss, a bobby pin, and water. 


Winner winner chicken dinner

Randi won the Tour-de-France.



With this bike. And this outfit. While looking at this map.

Randi bowls...


...overhand.

Duh.

Randi lives vicariously...


...through herself.

Chuckling trees

Randi regularly makes weeping willows laugh.

Awards galore.

You see that thing Randi wrote down there on the bottom right?
Yeah, that won her the Pulitzer last year. 

Fears

The dark is afraid of Randi.

Rebel

Randi not only refuses to wait a half hour after eating to swim, she actually swims a half hour before she's done eating.

Couldn't wait.

The circus ran away to join Randi.

Huge fan.

Superman's pajamas have pictures of Randi on them.

Refined pallet.

Randi doesn't ever say that anything "tastes like chicken"... not even chicken.

Linguist

Randi can speak Russian...

... in French.

Happy frappy

Whatever side of the bed Randi gets out of is the right side, even if she switches suddenly after waking up to the wrong side, it'll still be on the right side.

Remorse

Once a rattlesnake bit Randi, and after 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake finally died of remorse.


Economics

When Randi drives a car off the lot, it increases in value.